What's in a name?

Does your name define who you are? Most names have a meaning. And many people are named after a loved one. Be it an aunt, a grandmother or sister, all my children are named after a relative. I'm under the impression that there was a great debate over my own name. My father tells me that he wanted to name me "Jade" or "Siam". This logic comes from my being born in Thailand. I suppose that it must have been trendy to name you daughter after a native rock or the countries old school name. But as most days, my mother won. My given name is Prontip. And yes, it does have a meaning. Divine Blessing. In my research on my name, I've found a couple of different spellings. Pontip, Porntip, Pawntip, just to name a few. Sometimes a Thai mother would bring her newborn to a monk and he would name the baby. It's not uncommon for older Thai's to change their name later in life because they felt it was the cause of bad luck. I've always liked my name. It makes me feel special. Unique. But as with other beautiful things like the Hope Diamond, and King Tuts treasures, it came with a curse. No one has died invoking my name, but some times I've wanted to crawl under a rock. It may be too unique.

When my parents brought me to the states, I was only 2 years old. My father was in the Army. So when my dad was gone on military assignments, my mom and I would stay with my grandparents. My mother did not speak English. I can only imagine how lonely and scared she must have been. My new extended family was not very happy about my dad marrying a foreigner. And that included our names. So they gave us new ones. Annie for my mom and Sandi for me. Why those particular names? Annie was a family name. That was a no brainer. And Sandi was easy to remember because it was the color of my skin. Wow! That stings.

I was recently asked what side of the racial fence I wanted to be on. Why do I have to pick? Why can't I walk the rails, arms spread wide, face up, soaking up the sun's rays? All my life I've been told what to do. Decisions have been made for me. Without my consent. I'll be 41 next week. Isn't it high time I made up my mind who I want to be on my own? I'm moving to a new town on the 26th. I decided it was a great time to use my God given name full time, not just online. But someone in my life has decided that's a bad idea. As a matter of fact, it's "stupid, weird, and unstable". Whoa! That doesn't just sting. Why don't you just cut off a little piece of my heart? I've been the victim of racial abuse all my life. I wasn't a white girl or an asian girl. I'm Ameri-asian. You can not pick the parts of me you like and throw out the rest with the trash.

Maybe I'll write more about this later, after I'm done crying.